You Might Also Like
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*