No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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ME: not today satan
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.