“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.