Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
This hospital has everything
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.