[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Does your wife know you’re single?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.