I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.