“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You Might Also Like
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…