Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.