You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.