When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
the three branches of government
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.