Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
You Might Also Like
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again