My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.