Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.