British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
happy friday
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”