I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.