90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
This is true.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?