By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
🍛
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Do not steal food from the science building!