If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.