My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Good advice.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
the saddest jazz hands ever
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram