CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.