MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
🚲+physics = winner
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.