My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
You Might Also Like
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
😅😅😅