Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”