Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.