There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?