You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Need this in my life lol
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.