God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
You Might Also Like
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.