(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’