Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
#FunnyLife Insects
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.