[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine