Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.