Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
there’s probably a fee though
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.