Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
selfie game
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
looks legit
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris