My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
*puts cutlery down*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.