If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
You Might Also Like
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact