E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Twitter is the new flypaper.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
my professor scared me for a second