Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
ugh not again
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy