Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Always…
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking