[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
eggs benadryl
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.