‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I just tested negative for patience.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]