You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.