I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!