ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
oh shit
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment