I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Try and stop me.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Pringles
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*