85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I wish this was real life…
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
This line from Airplane.
How to draw a duck
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.