“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
You Might Also Like
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.