[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.