[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
#Caturday
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.