my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)