Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Wait a minute
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The human personality is made of five key elements
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.